So I turned 20.

Kylie asked which was the most memorable birthday ever, I pondered for a while, not quite sure because memories are never able to revoke the feelings at that particular moment. I settled for my 17th and 19th, although this year's definitely ranks high.

Hobbes and the cake he was sitting on when I found him at the corridor.


My lovely porter aka shopping buddy pushing the trolley which sounded like it had a bad bout of arthritis.


Naughty Dumbo all drunk after downing so much beer =D


Getting the most out of Fatty's wallet after a scrumptious lunch hehe... Couldn't help bugging him, "Do I get a present?"


The pasta bake that was so satisfying. I think I was a great host.


Yummylicious cake the girls bought. Thanks girls!


Me and my wishes.


All smiles!


I'm the proud owner of the one and only Patrick shirt in the whole wide world. Crafted by Grace. Thank you thank you thank you.


Oh yes, Joleen, you're old. =P

Here's a belated toast, to do what is good and right, and to a wonderful and exciting decade ahead.

The Nerd Handbook

A nerd needs a project because a nerd builds stuff. All the time. Those lulls in the conversation over dinner? That’s the nerd working on his project in his head.

It’s unlikely that this project is a nerd’s day job because his opinion regarding his job is, “Been there, done that”. We’ll explore the consequences of this seemingly short attention span in a bit, but for now this project is the other big thing your nerd is building and I’ve no idea what is, but you should.

At some point, you, the nerd’s companion, were the project. You were showered with the fire hose of attention because you were the bright and shiny new development in your nerd’s life. There is also a chance that you’re lucky and you are currently your nerd’s project. Congrats. Don’t get too comfortable because he’ll move on, and, when that happens, you’ll be wondering what happened to all the attention. This handbook might help.

Regarding gender: for this piece, my prototypical nerd is a he as a convenience. There are plenty of she nerds out there for which these observations equally apply.

Understand your nerd’s relation to the computer. It’s clichéd, but a nerd is defined by his computer, and you need to understand why.

First, a majority of the folks on the planet either have no idea how a computer works or they look at it and think “it’s magic”. Nerds know how a computer works. They intimately know how a computer works. When you ask a nerd, “When I click this, it takes awhile for the thing to show up. Do you know what’s wrong?” they know what’s wrong. A nerd has a mental model of the hardware and the software in his head. While the rest of the world sees magic, your nerd knows how the magic works, he knows the magic is a long series of ones and zeros moving across your screen with impressive speed, and he knows how to make those bits move faster.

The nerd has based his career, maybe his life, on the computer, and as we’ll see, this intimate relationship has altered his view of the world. He sees the world as a system which, given enough time and effort, is completely knowable. This is a fragile illusion that your nerd has adopted, but it’s a pleasant one that gets your nerd through the day. When the illusion is broken, you are going to discover that…

Your nerd has control issues. Your nerd lives in a monospaced typeface world. Whereas everyone else is traipsing around picking dazzling fonts to describe their world, your nerd has carefully selected a monospace typeface, which he avidly uses to manipulate the world deftly via a command line interface while the rest fumble around with a mouse.

The reason for this typeface selection is, of course, practicality. Monospace typefaces have a knowable width. Ten letters on one line are same width as ten other letters, which puts the world into a pleasant grid construction where X and Y mean something.

These control issues mean your nerd is sensitive to drastic changes in his environment. Think travel. Think job changes. These types of system-redefining events force your nerd to recognize that the world is not always or entirely a knowable place, and until he reconstructs this illusion, he’s going to be frustrated and he’s going to act erratically. I develop an incredibly short fuse during system-redefining events and I’m much more likely to lose it over something trivial and stupid. This is one of the reasons that…

Your nerd has built himself a cave. I’ve written about The Cave elsewhere, but here are the basics. The Cave is designed to allow your nerd to do his favorite thing, which is working on the project. If you want to understand your nerd, stare long and hard at his Cave. How does he have it arranged? When does he tend to go there? How long does he stay?

Each object in the Cave has a particular place and purpose. Even the clutter is well designed. Don’t believe me? Grab that seemingly discarded Mac Mini which has been sitting on the floor for two months and hide it. You’ll have 10 minutes before he’ll come stomping out of the Cave — “Where’s the Mac?”

The Cave is also frustrating you because your impression is that it’s your nerd’s way of checking out, and you are, unfortunately, completely correct. A correctly designed Cave removes your nerd from the physical world and plants him firmly in a virtual one complete with all the toys he needs. Because…

Your nerd loves toys and puzzles. The joy your nerd finds in his project is one of problem solving and discovery. As each part of the project is completed, your nerd receives an adrenaline rush that we’re going to call The High. Every profession has this — the moment when you’ve moved significantly closer to done. In many jobs, it’s easy to discern when progress is being made: “Look, now we have a door”. But in nerds’ bit-based work, progress is measured mentally and invisibly in code, algorithms, efficiency, and small mental victories that don’t exist in a world of atoms.

There are other ways your nerd can create The High and he does it all the time. It’s another juicy cliché to say that nerds love video games, but that’s not what they love. A video game is just one more system where your nerd’s job is to figure out the rules that define it, which will enable him to beat it. Yeah, we love to stare at games with a bazillion polygons, but we get the same high out of playing Bejeweled, getting our Night Elf to Level 70, or endlessly tinkering with a Rubik’s Cube. This fits nicely with the fact that…

Nerds are fucking funny. Your nerd spent a lot of his younger life being an outcast because of his strange affinity with the computer. This created a basic bitterness in his psyche that is the foundation for his humor. Now, combine this basic distrust of everything with your nerd’s other natural talents and you’ll realize that he sees humor is another game.

Humor is an intellectual puzzle, “How can this particular set of esoteric trivia be constructed to maximize hilarity as quickly as possible?” Your nerd listens hard to recognize humor potential and when he hears it, he furiously scours his mind to find relevant content from his experience so he can get the funny out as quickly as possible.

This quick wit is only augmented by the fact that…

Your nerd has an amazing appetite for information. Many years ago, I dubbed this behavior NADD, and you should read the article to learn more and to understand what mental muscles your nerd has developed.

How does a nerd watch TV? Probably one of two ways. First, there’s watching TV with you where the two of you sit and watch one show. Then there’s how he watches by himself when he watches three shows at once. It looks insane. You walk into the room and you’re watching your nerd jump between channels every five minutes.

“How can you keep track of anything?”

He keeps track of everything. See, he’s already seen all three of these movies… multiple times. He knows the compelling parts of the arcs and is mentally editing his own versions while watching all three. The basic mental move here is the context switch, and your nerd is the king of the context switch.

The ability to instantly context switch also comes from a life on the computer. Your nerd’s mental information model for the world is one contained within well-bounded tidy windows where the most important tool is one that allows your nerd to move swiftly from one window to the next. It’s irrelevant that there may be no relationship between these windows. Your nerd is used to making huge contextual leaps where he’s talking to a friend in one window, worrying about his 401k in another, and reading about World War II in yet another.

You might suspect that given a world where context is constantly shifting, your nerd can’t focus, and you’d be partially correct. All that multi-tasking isn’t efficient. Your nerd knows very little about a lot. For many topics, his knowledge is an inch deep and four miles wide. He’s comfortable with this fact because he knows that deep knowledge about any topic is a clever keystroke away. See…

Your nerd has built an annoyingly efficient relevancy engine in his head. It’s the end of the day and you and your nerd are hanging out on the couch. The TV is off. There isn’t a computer anywhere nearby and you’re giving your nerd the daily debrief. “Spent an hour at the post office trying to ship that package to your mom, and then I went down to that bistro — you know — the one next the flower shop, and it’s closed. Can you believe that?”

And your nerd says, “Cool”.

Cool? What’s cool? The business closing? The package? How is any of it cool? None of it’s cool. Actually, all of it might be cool, but your nerd doesn’t believe any of what you’re saying is relevant. This is what he heard, “Spent an hour at the post office blah blah blah…”

You can be rightfully pissed off by this behavior — it’s simply rude — but seriously, I’m trying to help here. Your nerd’s insatiable quest for information and The High has tweaked his brain in an interesting way. For any given piece of incoming information, your nerd is making a lightning fast assessment: relevant or not relevant? Relevance means that the incoming information fits into the system of things your nerd currently cares about. Expect active involvement from your nerd when you trip the relevance flag. If you trip the irrelevance flag, look for verbal punctuation announcing his judgment of irrelevance. It’s the word your nerd says when he’s not listening and it’s always the same. My word is “Cool”, and when you hear “Cool”, I’m not listening.

Information that your nerd is exposed to when the irrelevance flag is waving is forgotten almost immediately. I mean it. Next time you hear “Cool”, I want you to ask, “What’d I just say?” That awkward grin on your nerd’s face is the first step in getting him to acknowledge that he’s the problem in this particular conversation. This behavior is one of the reasons that…

Your nerd might come off as not liking people. Small talk. Those first awkward five minutes when two people are forced to interact. Small talk is the bane of the nerd’s existence because small talk is a combination of aspects of the world that your nerd hates. When your nerd is staring at a stranger, all he’s thinking is, “I have no system for understanding this messy person in front of me”. This is where the shy comes from. This is why nerds hate presenting to crowds.

The skills to interact with other people are there. They just lack a well-defined system.

Advanced Nerd Tweakage

If you’re still reading, then I’m thinking that your nerd is worth keeping. Even though he’s apt to vanish for hours, has a strange sense of humor, doesn’t like you touching his stuff, and often doesn’t listen when you’re talking directly at him, he’s a keeper. Go figure.

My advice:

Map the things he’s bad at to the things he loves. You love to travel, but your nerd would prefer to hide in his cave for hours on end chasing The High. You need to convince him of two things. First, you need to convince him that you’re going to do your best to recreate his cave in his new surrounding. You’re going to create a quiet, dark place here he can orient himself and figure out which way the water flushes down the toilet. Traveling internationally? Carve out three days somewhere quiet at the beginning of the trip. Traveling across the US? How about letting him chill on the bed for a half-day before you drag him out to see the Golden Gate Bridge?

Second, and more importantly, you need to remind him about his insatiable appetite for information. You need to appeal to his deep love of discovering new content and help him understand that there may be no greater content fire hose than waking up in a hotel overlooking the Grand Canal in Venice where you don’t speak a word of Italian.

Make it a project. You might’ve noticed your nerd’s strange relation to food. Does he eat fast? Like really fast? You should know what’s going on here. Food is thrown into the irrelevant bucket because it’s getting in the way of the content. Exercise, too. Thing is, you want your nerd to eat healthily so that he’s here in another thirty years, so how do you change this behavior? You make diet and exercise the project.

For me, exercise became the project ten years ago after a horrible break-up. When the project was no longer the Ex, I dove into exercise every single day of the week. There were charts tracking my workouts, there were graphs tracking my weight, and there was the exercise. Every single day for two years until the day I passed out in a McDonald’s post-workout after not eating for a day. Ok, so time for a new project. Yeah, nerds also have moderation issues. That’s another essay.

Significant nerd behavioral change is only going to happen if your nerd engages in the project heart and soul, otherwise it’s just another thought for the irrelevant bucket.

People are the most interesting content out there. If you’ve got a seriously shy nerd on your hands, try this: ask him how many folks are in his buddy list? How many friends does he have in Facebook? How many folks are following him on Twitter? LiveJournal? My guess is that, collectively, your nerd interacts with ten times more people than you think he does. He can do this because the interaction is via a system he understands — the computer.

Your nerd knows that people are interesting. Just because he can’t look your best friend straight in the eye doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to know what makes her tick, but you need to be the social buffer — the translation layer. You need to find one common thread of interest between your nerd and your friend and then he’ll engage because he will have found relevance.

The Next High

As you discovered when you were the project, your nerd’s focus can be deliciously overwhelming, but it will stop. Once a nerd believe he fully knows how a system works, the challenge to understand ceases to exist and he moves on in search of The Next High.

While I don’t know who you are or why in the world you chose a nerd for your companion, I do know that you are not a knowable system. I know that you are messy, just like your nerd. Being your own quirky self will be more than enough to present new and interesting challenges to your nerd.

Besides, it’s just as much a nerd’s job to figure you out and maybe someone somewhere is writing an article about your particular quirks. Good news, he’s probably reading it right now.

*
That's, according to my nerd, approximately 60% of him. So now I have reason to be quirky.

I shouldn't be doing this
I know it
Yet I am
When nights and days
Are blurry
And the pressure, oh!
Building in the dam
What's my tensile strength?
Will I be plastically deformed?
This is surely a hardness test
That deviates strictly from the norm
Rejoice
For I'm more than mere composite
I'm made from tougher stuff
Temperature increases, compression, shearing...
Whatever the environment
You can be sure I'll rise above

Whee!!!

IQ Question of the Week

1. Which of the following steals toothpaste caps?

A. A person who sells toothpaste caps for a living

B. A moron

C. Someone who was released prematurely from the Institute

of Mental Health

D. A dieter of the newest plan: the Eat-Some-Plastic-

Everyday-Diet. You mean you haven’t heard of it?

*Answers not limited to only one

That's what I posted on my cluster gate. It's called communication, dearie.

I'm miffed this time. Seriously, if you want to steal, why not just steal the whole toothpaste
rather than leave the insides of the tube exposed to a million trillion bacteria?

Fatty said, "What an oddity!". Then the wise guy proceeds with his letting-go mantra. He's very taken by the Gandhian movement.

*

I think I'm going for dance classes this December. Uh oh. I can't dance to save my life. =P

Yep yep, I know. Definitely pink overkill. But I like it.

By the way, how much did you wager on me changing the display pic within a month? Hehe.

*

OD tommorow. I can just hear Madam Kaur saying, "Ready, troops, FIRE!"

Need to be on my feet.

*

It's November.

Twinkle

That's a mugshot of us, alright. Nothing like milkshakes to sooth splitting nerves. Ah...

My school is having the Green Carnival as an effort to raise awareness about poor Mother Nature, and there was a FREE movie screening in conjunction with the campaign.

Supposedly good + Free movies don't come by often. And when they do, you grab a chocolate bar and your trusty, musty sweater for some good ol' relaxation.

Except the movie had the tagline "By far the most terrifying film you will ever see".


Yeah, the movie by Al Gore. If you haven't watched it, you've certainly heard of it. Political propaganda or not, it was scary alright. Especially the animated scene where a polar bear is pictured swimming in the ocean. He's tired but there's only a small block of ice that probably broke off a melting iceberg for him to climb and rest. The polar bear tries to climb onto the small itty bitty piece of ice, but each attempt only breaks the ice further. Then the camera zooms out to show the polar bear literally trapped in the vast ocean with no where to land. The polar bear swims on, and swims, and swims, and swims...

That's when it dawns upon you that polar bears drowning ain't a joke.

The movie starts rolling with Al Gore speaking to an audience in a lecture theatre-like set up. I thought: Either this is gonna be another lecture or a biography of Al Gore disguised as an environmental themed movie. But the movie was actually good and entertaining to a certain extent. The cold hard facts were cleverly intercepted with more emotionally stimulating excerpts of Al Gore's life, allowing the viewer to digest the information at an easy pace.

I was most enlightened by one point in his delivery. Remember we used to debate whether global warming is a REAL problem as a GP topic? According to Al Gore, it's a hoax amplified by a small group of people who for unknown reasons claim that global warming is all trash. There was a study on > 900 articles from various science journals concerning global warming, and an astonishing 0% denied the existence of global warming! Proves that looking at both sides of the issue without thinking and researching critically ie scratching the surface, has severe consequences on one's mindset. What you thought was right could be wrong.

I guess it's high time for us to do our bit, if we haven't taken the initiative yet.

*

Really, it was an amazing weekend. Not very productive, I'll agree, but super duper wonderfullicious!

Fatty clearly intimidated by the foot long sandwich.

Oriental Pork Chop and Garden Veggies

Fatty's other wet dream =P

*Smiles*

After dabbling with a white background for a few months, I'm back to black. Allow me to discard all remnants of humility to proudly proclaim: This is by far the BEST.

I was just scrolling through works of famous icons, liking a lot of what I saw. There was one by Picasso that was simply entitled "The Dog". Andy Warhol and his butterflies were yummy. And Paul Klee too, I like. Then in went the words fuchsia background to the search bar, and I chanced upon this sensational photograph by Behaviourella. A little magic by the blog layout fairy, perhaps some gold dust, and voila!

We'll see how long the current background lasts, yeah? We'll see.

*

Fatty fell sick today. He was in much pain and couldn't help giving out a few manly grunts. The poor guy had to eat plain bread and nothing else because his stomach was practising flip flops and some impossible yoga stance. Apparently this sort of incredible stomach pains have occured since he was a boy, so his parents were pretty worried and were all ready to come over to check on him.

Thank god you're okay now. Boy who whispers sweet nothings in his hoarse voice when he's sick. =)

October. How time flies. And I only blogged twice in the previous month?! What happened or did nothing happen?

Home was great. I got to meet Sze Yan. Honestly, I wasn't smitten. Probably because he's pre-matured and my idea of a cute baby is something like cupid without the bow and arrows. But there's so much controversy! And undercurrents. Unspoken tension. Ah, the trials and tribulations of a family.

We also went to check out the new house. (It was the only time I drove in KL, and I'm so glad they installed traffic lights at the dreadful junction.) The house looks fantastic. Already I can envision us all bounding up and down the stairs, and perhaps some soft furry paws too? =D Here's a plan of my room:-

My dressing area

The wardrobe with frosted glass

Oh it almost passed my mind that the mid-terms just ended. Don't ask me how I fared. I refuse to be a clairvoyant. Yikes, I can barely envision another 4-5 years of THIS.

And the most wonderful thing happened! On Thursday I thought out of the blue: Would it be possible to go to the UK and/or Ireland for a holiday this December? I messaged Joyee informing him that I have been granted a day of from prison and asked him whether he'd be interested in going to the UK with me. And guess what, Dad called from some Irish pub in Midvalley and gave me the green light! =D =D =D Well, his decision might be inebriated, but *fingers crossed*.

Did I mention that I'm excited?

Well, let me tell you again: I'm close to orgasmic levels. =P

My my my.

It's the hols. *blink blink*

And enough of Lawrence Auster! I wash my hands off you, you sick xenophobic. And all the books sadly troop back to their roosting place, silently screaming for the next CTW victim to pick them.

Oh man. It's the holidays. I can't emphasize it more.

It's funny how prior to this I didn't feel enthusiastic about returning home. But now I am.

Gotta get a glimpse of the new house, gotta see Sze Yan for the first time, gotta meet up with the other 5, gotta meet up with YC, gotta get contact lenses, gotta get the Tuition Grant signed, gotta make Patrick's garb, gotta reply e mails...

GOTTA STUDY. >_<

Anyways, I'm going home!

*blink blink*

We both know what this means =)

It's remarkable how quickly times passes. A few more weeks till the mid term holidays and exams. But what is time to you? How do you allocate time to do what is necessary? And the add ons? The fringes? How do you even prioritize matters? The unstructuredly structured timetable feels alien to me. In previous education systems I most certainly wouldn't be blogging at this time of the day. But here the activities are random; each week is unlikely to be similar to the last. I'm not sure if I welcome the irregularity, but at least I'm coping, though I've backlogged a bit.

Also, I am suspicious of my intuition. It has been failing me for the past few months. I'm not saying that I want all my intuitions to be proven correct, because that would be horrendous. Take the predictions for my A level results as an example. Perhaps it's just my confidence and optimism that create a feel good feeling that translates into a semi mirage in the brain. I didn't make the choir team although I was almost sure I would get in. It was a tad disappointing but the AIESEC membership was a delightful surprise. Ah, the joy at getting something unexpected.

Speaking about unexpectedness, Grace and I went to the zoo on Sunday. It was totally unplanned. We were up at 2 am deciding, or it was only me contemplating, whether to choose a relaxing movie in the cinema or a full length animal documentary where we have to brave the rain, sun and the smells. In the end, the journey all the way to Mandai Lake Road was well worth it. So currently the stats stand at 4 trips to the zoo in 3 years; try beating that!


*

I'm unsatisfied. Shouldn't it be better? We just stopped trying.

It's the second week of the first sem and things are starting to pick up and settle in. I for one still dread the early morning lecture on Monday, but I've gotten used to prowling the streets of NUS at 9 pm after lecture or jogging as one of the last A1 buses ply past.

Uni isn't very different from JC. I expected a revolutionalized education system. Suffice to say that the only differences are the non enforcement of rules and the option to crash lectures, and eat while listening to the prof... Well, maybe it's a liberated education system after all. What is it? Be the best you can be?

So, heeding NUS's advice I went for an industrial visit to PCS, a choir audition and an interview this week. I really wanted to like Jurong Island. I wanted to fall in love with the steel pipes and people in orange overalls and spherical containers. But the place was almost a no man's land. And they have only one eatery. How can Singaporeans thrive on a location that doesn't have a shopping mall, I wonder.

The choir audition was a little more interesting. Apparently 60% of choir is made up of Malaysians! It's a high commitment CCA. Again I wonder if I am ready for that, assuming I receive good news tommorow morning. =D I sang "If We Hold On Together" and the panel looked mildly satisfied. Then it was the horrible scales section where I was supposed to sing after a few piano notes were played. I suspect I'm tone deaf. Everything out of my mouth seemed to have the same pitch. Nevertheless *fingers crossed*.

Not something I'm optimistic about -the AIESEC interview. The questions asked were simply mind numbing. "Tell us an instance when you gave up a long term goal for a short term goal". Argh. I racked my refrigerated memory for an answer and came up with a lame one about givng up UK for NUS. I think the idea was relevant, it was the way I presented my reply that was less than satisfactory. Then there were more questions about team work, like "Have you ever been in a situation where teammate A and teammate B aren't on talking terms? And what did you do to rectify the situation?" Hm, I have always been lucky to have co-operative teammates and I wasn't quick enough on my toes to create a scenario. And then there was the funny part where I was required to sell a pen to them in a minute. Haha. I stoned for a while and said "This pen has been proven to be able to write as long as 10000 km... is comfortable... bla bla. I personally have used 10 of them." Geez. On hindsight, if the pen can write 10,000km worth of words, why would I even need to use 10?

Not smart, Joleen. Not smart. =( For what it's worth, at least I have another interview experience.

Now, to happier news. Hehe Fatty and I ransacked NTUC for salad ingredients, and on Sunday we made...

Super Salad!


The chefs =)

It was superb. And it did a great deal warming our hearts. Fatty's a rock. He suddenly appeared at the CFA where I was having the audition and went with me all the way to SR19 for the interview. Sweet.

Plus, Grace is here again! I bought a Little Miss t-shirt for her. I'm Little Miss Contrary and she's Little Miss Chatterbox. Too bad they didn't have Little Miss Stubborn in vintage.

Additional plus, my financial worries are over. There's no need to fork out $1200 for accommodation, many thanks to ASEAN.

I could get use to these.

I look through the funnel
From this end
From that end
It is not the same
Not the same
Not the same
Is it an illusion?
Has it been since forever?
It is not the same
Should I wake up?
It is not the same
Never expect it to be the same
For better or for worse
It is not the same

Hello!

This is me, in my funny shaped room, typing my first post as a uni student. I'm old!

Things have been pretty good, especially since Grace came over for a few nights. She's super creative. I now have another Patrick, courtesy of her.

Meet... Patrick on steroids. Hehe... Hence his larger fore limbs. But he's adorable all the same, and retains the flexibility that is the trait of ALL Patricks.


I wanted to write a post to summarize my holidays. It dawned upon me, and many other friends, that the longest holiday of perhaps our entire life is over. Was it well spent? What have I gained? My life didn't change notably, but it was certainly enhanced by a few events. Meeting up with friends, teaching, a few trips, and most importantly, finding a rusty friendship that could use a little polish to shine like the brightest jewel.

But on Tuesday I had the biggest scare of my life. Fatty initiated something out of the blue. I always thought that I had the baton, I control the race, I have the prerogative. But he was tired. And the dam of emotions was released. I traversed the entire uni, looking for him, feeling more anxious as each call to him met a dead end. Yet all along I had the confidence that it was not the end. It could not be the end. I would not let it end.

I'm just glad.

*toast* to a great uni life. I need to believe that nothing is impossible.

Three more days. I'm packing at a sloth like pace. Everything seems to be essential- even the nylon fishing line gets the green light.

Has it been two years and eight months since JH laughed at me for lugging 'loaves' of sanitary pads to Singapore? This time I'm going to travel light. Light is largely undefined yet, but certain to join the entourage are two gigantic fruits and four dogs, and my trusty table lamp.

Mum blew RM 190 on two haircuts. The hairdresser styled and highlighted her hair with red spray, and she looked like Peter Pan with glasses. Hahaha...

Tommorow meeting HW at her school! And then pasar malam for the last time in a few months. =l

I'm baffled by how complex human relationships are, yet I rejoice at the fact that somethings that are lost can be, although never as perfect as they were, found again after millions of years when the dust of bewilderment and sadness has all but covered the tip.

And today she came to my house with durians, and we spent the afternoon playing Mastermind and Tipover. A replay of an event that happened 5 years earlier, only we're much older now.

I was very surprised and hurt, mind you. Back then I thought we were inseparable, and if I ever considered switching to lesbianism you were my number 1 choice for a partner.

But that was back then. I thought I had forgotten you, and vice versa. When you called to say you were coming I couldn't have any expectations. When you gave me the Squeezy Stressball and The Surfer... well, it was, as I quote Celine Dion, "all coming back to me now".

Was it because... I don't know. Perhaps I will never know. I dare not ask you because you had a rather great impact in my life.

Let the buds blossom, with a thorn for cautiousness that shouldn't be here in the first place.

Achtung!

The word isn't used in the right context but I just love the sound of it.

So how was the trip to Switzerland, you say.

Well, I'm glad mum and I went.

I boarded the airplane with the Amazing Race kind of mentality- the Mum and Daughter team. Suffice to say it wasn't as smooth as butter. And me losing the 512mb memory card didn't help. But as every cloud has a silver lining, haha, we ended up with 2 new 2gb cards and took a total of 1887 photos.

Switzerland is so beeeaaauuu-tee-fuul, as the average Caucasian would express in their exaggerated manner. Because it really is. Rolling hills, stately alps, lakes like sheets of glass... even the blind would take wonderful photos with a digital camera.

Surreal view from Mt. Pilatus.


Lake Lucerne from the Church Bridge.


Random lake. Lakes of these sizes would be termed seas in Malaysia.


Each glacier has a name, like how each cow has.


Cows, bells, and everything else.

But topping it all was the great and unexpected company during the trip. During the welcome session on the first day I was somewhat unpleasantly surprised that the whole tour group (36 in total) comprised of only 2 people below the age of 50- me and an Australian Vietnamese who's 30+/- *horror* , and only 3 Asians. As the days went, they proved to be really sporting, witty, and intellectual. Here are some examples:

"Hey, that's a morgue!"
"Yeah, people are dying to get in there."

On the train through the Bernina Pass that has only 800+ tunnels:
"I think I'm starting to get tunnel vision."

These people know for sure that Malaysians don't live on trees. Some have even been to KL for holidays. And when Australians and Americans start to discuss politics, I just sit back and listen, silently thanking GP for though not allowing me to participate, was sufficient for me to follow the conversation without getting too lost.

Mum and I rather favoured the company of three people:

Here's John whom we always accidentally bump into. Terribly nice.

The one next to me is 85-year old Isabel who STILL works at a card distributing company, and at the far right is Marge whose bark is louder than her bite and has either given or sold 199 of her homemade bags in 2 years.

It's interesting to note that life after 55 or after retirement doesn't necessarily consist of only watching pay TV and medical checkups. Instead, one is free to do almost anything in the world, be it reading up and researching on Dali, taking care of granchildren, overseas trips that last 9 weeks, making personalised travelogues, joining a choir... as long as one has the health and financial means to do so. Probably quite foreign to our Asian ears are "My grandparents went paragliding last July", but that's what an elderly couple from the tour did! Amazing zest, these people have, hardly a common denominator of the senior society here.

Oh, weather is a real conversation topic in small, small Switzerland (pop. 7.5 million) because a 3 hour drive from atop the alps to lakesides like Lugano brings you from freezing -6c to a scorching 34c. Illustrated with clothes, it's something like this:

to

Of course, what's a trip for me without gastronomic endeavours, doggy sighting and artsy stuff? Foodwise, Switzerland is extremely disappointing. I suppose I'm a phillistine after all when I'd decline traditional Swiss cheese for 12-pieces-in-a-pack-Kraft singles. The only Swiss? dish that I like is barley soup.


But the Swiss make up for that because the country is an absolute doggy heaven! Doggies on trains, doggies in restaurants, doggies in parks... *woo hoo*

Doggy on snow!


St Bernards smooching.

Okay art definitely isn't at its zenith in Switzerland, but look at their woodcarvings...

The dog. I wasn't carved.

What else can I say? Switzerland: I like. But perhaps the Swiss could adopt curry as their national dish and grow chillis...

I'm a social animal. Haha.

This week has been really full-filling. Imagine, I went to Megamall for three days consecutively, and I met, accidently or pre-arranged, with in excess of 15 CHS people.

Sunday, lunch with Yam Gao & Co. That's Wenn Shin, Chow Chow, Kam Tong, Shu Ni and Li Shan.

Then Chow Chow, the catalyst came to be my live-in partner on Tuesday night. And because we're so good in bed, she decided to extend her stay =P. Barely ten minutes since her arrival, Wei Siang called. He came over and all three of us had love and lust themed drinks.

Tuesday's pasar malam nite, and we came across Yen Ying, Wei Wei, Ke Yuen, Kok Soon, and some CHS guy I don't know.

Current tally: 11 people.

---Note to self: Remember yummy ban mee on Tuesdays.

Then on Wednesday, shorties (5 of us) gathering at Megamall. One of us is newly attached! Lots of grilling from our PI =P. A little later, Wai Xin, Chun Seng and another unknown CHS guy popped in to Kim Gary's where we were having lunch to say hi.



At night, yum cha with Zhou Hau and his cousin (non CHS).

Total tally: 18 people!

Serious blast from the past. My curiosity as to who metamorphed was thoroughly satisfied.

But most fun was having Chow Chow over. She with her STD horror stories and crypt orchidism. And discussion about the female anatomy, and shopping like we own a mint, and having steamboat with Rotten with barely enough to pay the bill.


Lovely week, people!

Next two weeks: Switzerland.

I dumped my shell. Say bye bye to hermit Joleen. =)

Dorling Kindersly: I am indebted to you, o great travel guide with vivid pictures and costing close to RM100.

My second day as a hermit.

Or maybe I'm a hermit that's just emerged from its shell. Haha. Or maybe my brain's just trying to kill me.

Wonder when will things thaw.

*

Many thanks to Fatty. You're a genius! and a very patient one at that.

MILESTONE: I drove all by myself to Fatty's house! And we made cheese omelette for lunch =D

You know Gollum and his favourite phrase? "xxx trickssss ussss..."

I almost sympathized that slimy creature when I thought I was in the same shoes. Not that Gollum has any to boot.

I was pissed off. It's not an understatement.

How foolish of me. I made everything so ugly. And flung every bit of portrayed innocence and conviction and understanding and trust into the incinerator. *fizzle*

But the aftermath wasn't bloody. It was aqueous. And forgiving.

I guess when the line isn't as straight as it out to be, then we should just follow the curve and make the best out of it?

PS You'll be travelling. A lot.

In a zero sum situation, why do I get naught?

Realize that everything can be thrown back to you.

How will it be if one day, the sun refuses to shine, the mountains decide to take flight, and the river flows upstream? Nevermind the hyperbole, but faced with the nascent probability of something akin to abandonment, I expect the disorientation would be nothing less than shocking.

You know that part of your life has always been a sacred cow.

But do they not trust you? Maybe it's not about trust. But do they not love you? Maybe it's not about love either.

Perhaps not all is unconditional.

Hello hello! Back from the trip to Penang and Langkawi with 604 roomies. I didn't get any tan but my face has a permanent kiss from the sun. =(

Smellies at Kek Lok Si

We haven't been hanging out for quite a while- the last time we met up was in March, so I felt awkward initially, like there was a gap that needed to be filled. I cannot help but compare this little holiday with that in Sarawak, where we were closer, and I felt more comfortable and relaxed. Perhaps we needed time to melt the ice, because things started to get more fun during the 3rd and 4th day. The afternoon at the beach did wonders. I was more myself, which is to say I became more zany and a tad pea-brained.

Penang was quite disappointing in terms of food. I had laksa twice, and neither met the superior Jusco laksa standards. And even their char kuey teow was average, albeit having larger-than-usual prawns.

Our sand mermaid with lovingly sculptured boobs

Cheap beer elevated Langkawi's position way above Penang's. Chang at RM 2.00 per can? Plus RM 75 for a seafood dinner for four? Not much gets more economical than that. =D Hehe and since I'm a nature-at-heart kind of girl, the island hopping with eagle and monkey sighting was pretty worth it too.

Wind blown hair for the model effect on ferry from Penang to Langkawi

These all-girl trips are rare. Thank you Michele, Bei Shi, Zhi Ying, Lim Zhi, June Ping and Qiao Wen- you guys were great company. Hope this vacation will not be the last.

What's furry, sleep-eats, scurries like it's the Gold Rush, has been muse for movies and is featured along with the Gooey Kablooie in Calvin & Hobbes? Need a hint?


Hehe... Hamsterville! Their food's right on top of their cage; the organic rolled oats are for human consumption.

I have a soft spot for furry little things, but the hamsters aren't mine. Shi Ying's off to Sarawak for a few days, so I'm to take care of them until she comes back.


They're nameless. How sad. =( I've taken to calling them Munchi aka Fatty and Bambi (short for Bamboozle).

Though doggies are superior, hamsters are pretty adorable too. =D You can't take them for walks, but you can watch them dig for kuaci, and rearrange their food in their cheek pockets. You can't hug hamsters, but you can wave 'hi' and wiggle your nose at them.

Hamsters are smart, too. See the hay? Bambi somehow pushes it to the middle, directly underneath the clear plastic flap, so as to elevate him/herself - perfect for a Houdini.


I'm smitten, again. Perhaps a hamster or two to accompany me during uni?

Sometimes it takes an in-your-face approach to send the message across. Sometimes you have to do it military style to explain your intentions. Because sometimes I cannot help being ignorant, or I simply refuse to acknowledge the obvious.

Sometimes I believe I can do without you; sometimes I cannot envision a future sans you. And because you always seem so strong, and so sure of yourself, I thought you were fine. I'm not always sensitive to your needs and emotions, but to say I was completely taken aback when you voiced your dissatisfaction is a lie. You said "How come you don't do it naturally?" I guess I've known all this while, a niggling feeling that was conveniently disposed, labeled under "forgotten conscience".

How to reason? How to do reality checks when reality, to me, always changes?

It's all a gamble. Life is a gamble, and we'll never know the outcome until it happens. We can only guess and have faith and hope.

Hello!

I've decided. For real.

So it's going to be NUS- Chemical Engineering with Economics, something yours truly wouldn't have considered 2 weeks ago. I surprised myself. No doubt Fatty was "pleasantly shocked" too. How much influence did he really have in this swinging decision? Well, I'll never be able to make a model to calculate it, thus we would never really know, won't we?

Thanks to Sam for giving honest opinions regarding my di/trilemma. I was confused. And even now I cannot be sure of what I really want. The window's still open, and the wind, though reduced to a zephyr, is still blowing.

Mum says that I've had TWO chances to go overseas. Once after SPM, and another after A levels. I turned down both. That's quite dense, I must say. So many would gladly give half a limb for it. And to be proffered the carrot twice, ain't I one lucky devil?

After doing the calculations, the cost of studying in Singapore is really a fraction of that needed for UK. That should lessen the burden on Mum and Dad, maybe forestalling the emergence of wrinkles. We can have nicer furniture in Tropicana. =D

I'll just have to vindicate myself, perhaps by creating another opportunity. Europe had better watch out for me.

*

Read through Fatty's appeal. It's jolly good, a straight from the heart and gut account. Fingers crossed.

LUNCHTIME!!!

I'm at dad's office now, filling in for Kavita who is getting married. Basically my job is pretty manual. Faxing, DO-ing, e-mails, typing quotations etc. Oh and it's worth RM900/month, starting pay. Easy but the pay is no good. Either I'm an efficient worker, or I'm not qualified or experienced enough to do more, because I've got so much "free" time I've learnt how to play Hearts. And I even brought Monty along. He's here, pictured with my favourite glass that has the magical powers to make me drink a lot of water in this dry, somewhat ho hum environment.


I realize I like familiar surroundings. I like them personalised. I'm like the wolves who pee around their den to proclaim "This is my space!". But mine is much more subtle. No realpolitik. More Ghandian. Invasion through softies. A monkey here, an orange heart shaped pillow there... Ha!

Say, if you took a fresh egg and hurled it against the wall, the result would largely resemble my scattered brains.

It's all back to choices again. Time is closing down on me. Act fast!!!

Three different courses. Four universities. Two countries. One huge factor. And one defining headache.

But you know what would rid all this? You telling me, yes, I'll go with you.

This is a golden retriever - my dream dog. They're probably the most friendly dogs in the world. I was at ECP one day, waiting for Fatty outside the toilet, alongside a goldie with the most luxurious coat of fur. I smiled and gave it a wave. Maybe I was emanating good vibes =), goldie actually came trotting on his adorable paws. I've been infatuated ever since.

The fear of the unknown, dull and monotonous. Like a black hole, it consumes everything, only the reverberating pings of worry escape.

Tangible. Tangible. Tangible. Erase the vestiges of capriciousness.

Lying on a haystack:
Ulterior needle
Prodding
Nipping
At consciousness.
You impapable spotlight
Be off!

Ya ya, that's my ode to insomnia. Stupid thing is bugging me. It's 3 05am in KL, 8 04pm in London. Don't tell me my brain is already adjusting without me being physically there.

So this post is going to be as long as it gets.

Damn. I'm getting really frustrated with all the tossing and turning, just waiting for the next day.

I've never been online this late since Form 2, when I'd pre-smuggle Dad's laptop and hide it in my wardrobe, again waiting for time to pass. But, hehe, when the hour hand touches 2, sneaky sneaky begins! Back then it was dial up modem, long treachery wires and more wires, plus Dad'a laptop made a sharp squeak during start up. The pillow made a good silencer. =)

Why all the hassle? Well, wouldn't you want to know.

Haha, it was a rendezvous with someone. ICQ-ing at night- me, the flickering screen, and the person at the other end... The timid tap-tap-tap, echoing against the silent night, was a source of thrill and gratification. Nothing criminal, just juvenile. I think I was caught a couple of times, but hey, as actuaries would say: risk is opportunity.

Funny- the way our relationship develops. Unique? Or worse, exotic? Screwy? Maybe. Now we talk about the "validation of your existence". Still great to have you around, if you'd have me.

Okay admittedly the other person at the other end varied at different periods. But you know I'm talking about you.

Since my brain is so scattered, this is going to be a very fuzzy, incoherent post.

Let's talk about past and present user names ie e mail, ICQ, MSN etc.

1 nixzuen ---I have no idea how this came to mind.
2 narcissus ---I didn't know what narcissist meant then. But a narcissus is a flower.
3 charon ---after one of Pluto's moons, must have been on some astrological craze.
4 paradoxical paragon ---I liked the word paragon.
5 ferris ---ferris?!
6 enigma --- like a silhoutte, or so I thought. I have totally fallen out of love with it now.
7 minute halcyon --- too morbid
8 halcyonjo --- I really love this. *projecting lots of happy moments*
9 jo ---obviously a short form for Joleen. Short and sweet, no? How apt. Haha.

All these numbers are not making me sleepy!!!

Okay, what's next?

Oh yeah my zero tolerance towards gross stuff. I've been coughing out solid green phelgm. And sometimes it's starkly contrasted with strings of red. Isn't it simply amaaaa...zing? I'm actually glad to see this stuff getting flushed down the sink. At least it's not infiltrating my lungs.

Did you know that Cho of Virginia Tech did not own a Facebook account?

Songs sound so much better now. Back to the haystack.

DISCLAIMER: Though this may be my most honest post to date, I'm under the influence of drugs. Hehe...

I fell sick today. It all started with the weirdest dreams- an American setting and people with names like Mary and Tom and confusing marriages- in a pool of sweat.

So I skipped my second last day as a temporary teacher. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I had some sushi made for a few teachers. In the end I got Ming Zhen to bring it to school for me.

Throbbing headaches and weak jelly- like limbs do put matters into different perspectives. Like in Blinding Light by Paul Theroux, Steadman takes some Equadorean drug, datura, "He was able to reason that if a dream lacks logic and connectedness, is random and puzzling, it was the opposite of a dream, and was wonderful for its coherence". Whatever he is trying to express, I'm too bombed.

*

Santarina is going to school tommorow!



Have you been naughty or good?